I Met My Families Murderer .... Please help me bring them to justice.
You know when I first started doing transitional coaching I would love the flood of messages coming in. I saw some amazing achievements, stories and then this happened:
Rachael, I’m depressed I have a life threatening illness and I need help can you help me I feel the end is near.
Was shaking I didn’t know how to respond what to do then another came in....
These people reaching out close to an end that need not be there.
The most terrifying thing about this was. I was not as far from it as they would like to think. In a family that was partially wiped clean by suicide and everyday wondering if my family would see another morning.
I instead of creating an incredibly thick skin I grew the most absorbent skin I could. I felt that I could handle their poison their tears and pain. I though I could survive what they could not so I would absorb their hurt everyday take it in. oh how correctly incorrect I was.
My mother came into the room and hugged me hard said "I love you." Then left the room. I had a bland look on my face, confused. If any of you are familiar with the signs you know where I’m going with this. The next hours were spent unable to comprehend time unable to move I just remember screaming she’s gone and lighting up a cigarette. My sister put a hand on my shoulder looked me in the eye “promise me Rachael you will never do this to me.”
You see I was correct that if they kept this pain they would not survive but I was so wrong to think I could absorb it, take it away. I cried, a lot, along with everyone else, alone of course where no one could hear me.
But what if I had gone about this differently.
What if I instead of just absorbing and acting, I absorbed and opened up.
I ask myself often:
why are people depressed
lie to one another
become addicted to dugs
go through eating disorders
why did I?
It comes down to a girl who knew a pain that you cant survive no one can survive babies that go through it die.
You build this story of :
I’m not sad
I don’t numb the pain
I don’t cry
The more you isolate your story The more you isolate others feelings also.
So I’m asking you to be far more brave and strong than those who “Can handle it” and show your raw real emotional vulnerability imperfections show you are human.